On My Own

I become quite thinkative on the treadmill. Normally it is my inner voice saying 'only a little more' or 'you got this' or 'no, your not going to die keep going!' . Today it was a little deeper then that, an epiphany of sorts. It was all started by 3 little words... On My Own.

Now, the person who used these words (I hope) wasn't saying it to be insulting.  But they stung a little all the same. People who haven't had RNY or live with a person who has had RNY honestly doesn't get it. Some (not all by any means) people think that I took the easy way out by having it done. Or that this is instant bullet, or that by loosing weight 'on your own' you have somehow worked harder for your better health.

All of the above is completely false. Yes, it is true that right now I only am able to consume about 800 calories a day. Because of this and the shock of surgery to my body the first 30 or so pounds did come off pretty quick. However, when you are someone like me who has upwards of over 200 lbs to loose, 30 is a drop in the bucket.

RNY for me is a tool, I can work it however I see fit. It can work for me or I can abuse it. It is up to me. There are ways around the bypass to eat if you really want to. People regain their weight ALL of the time. It is easy to fall into bad habits. Right now at almost 6 months out, I am a rule follower. Period. I don't push the limits of what is ok or not. Will I over time? Probably, if I am being honest.

Yes, I have had RNY and this is the one and only tool that has ever worked for me. I need to be manually restricted. My tool is no different then people who use Weight Watchers, Medifast, Detrox Diets, or just follow a healthier lifestyle. They are ALL tools. You can follow the plan, and it can work for you, or you can abuse it. It is still all up to you.

My RNY doesn't make me woggle (run/jog) 5K's once a week. It doesn't drag my ass to the gym on days that I do not want to go. It doesn't make me put healthy food in my body. It doesn't make me look forward to literally whipping my butt at the gym. It doesn't understand the look my in husband's eyes when I sleep in one of his t-shirts. It doesn't understand the feeling of stepping off that treadmill after beating you own time.

Sure there are things that my RNY does do for me. But, at the end of the day it is me and my pure determination to become healthy. So far I have lost 127 lbs. On. My. Own.

The Next Step

I don't know if I mentioned in my last post that I was going to have another free session with a trainer at the gym. Well I did yesterday. It is one big sales pitch, and I knew that going into it. Chris and I had chatted about what we could afford and not. I had kept up (mostly) my end by getting to the gym as much as possible. Summer has been hard, but I have made adjustments and now back on track.  I have been in the gym since 7 weeks out from surgery. I love it. I really really do. My workouts are getting too easy though. Chris understood all of this.

So I listen to the whole presentation. I know that I have lost 120 roughly, and I have about another 120 to go. Yeah for being half way there! Trainer Dan was trying to push the whole 2 more years to get there. Uh no Bud. My weight loss is accelerated because of the bypass. Here is the big BUT to that statement... I spun my wheels the weeks I didn't make it to the gym on a regular basis. Now that I have restarted I am whizzing along. Bottom line the, bypass only does so much. It is just a tool. I work my butt off to move that scale.  Again, BUT I fully expect to be pretty damn close to goal by February. Not two years from now. 

He whooped my butt to show me what they could do for me. It was 5 minutes long. I am sore when I stand today! As sick as this sounds I love it! After that we start going through the particulars of the contract. It sounds great to me. A little higher then we were thinking monthly, but totally worth it for what I am getting. Until I read fine print... these people wanted a large down payment for the two years. Very large. I could see Chris' head exploding. I start to back pedal and tell him that I must have misunderstood something along the way but there was NO way I could pay that. Long story short, I got it worked out to lessen the months of the contract to 12 months and cut the down payment by more then half. They even let me post date when they would charge my account. I have about 2 more weeks to go till I start training. But in the meantime I can still get my gym time in every other day.

I feel bad about spending money on something like this for myself. I am trying to see it as more of an investment into my health. I mean I rearranged my guts for goodness sake!  I made that commitment 5 months ago. It's like a marriage, I am in it for the long haul. This is the right next step for me.