Dreams

We all have them right? In my pre-mommy days I was a nurse. I went through a high school program- giving up a typical Senior year to go after it. When I graduated from High School I was able to sit for and passed the Nclex- LPN licensing exam. I was handing out controlled meds before I could legally drink or buy cigarettes.   I dreamt of being a mother for a long time. Finally having to take the reins myself (with Chris of course) and go after it. Same thing when we found out we were expecting Charlotte. I was determined that God didn't give us this to take it away. So I fought against my body and kept her surprising my doctors.

I was determined. I was driven.

In the past I have felt determined to loose this weight that I carry around. I would loose some. Then get frustrated that it wasn't happening fast enough, or really at all. Old habits would creep back in and the same amount of weight I was able to loose was back on in no time, and this time brought friends. I would pretend it didn't bother me, but it did. And still does.

The first few weeks after my surgery I must have said I am sorry more times then I had in my life. I was sorry. For putting Chris and the girls through a scary surgery, my parents for leaving their home 3 hours away to come help me out. I was mad at myself that I had always been so driven and determined for other things in my life, but never this. I had to put myself through this surgery, change my anatomy to finally get to a healthy weight.  The surgery is not a silver bullet. I will loose in the beginning, but as time goes on my body will figure this out. I am going to have to fight this the rest of my life.

This weekend my surgeon was running the 5K group training. After I gracefully ate concrete, he let everyone else go on ahead and stayed with me. After a minute I got up and I finished my training. This time was different then any other time in my life. I didn't finish the training just to save face and appear brave. I didn't even think of those things. I was more concerned with me being too hurt to get back to the gym! I was proud of myself that I really finished for me. He and I talked on our way around the track and I told him about my buyers remorse. He agrees it is all rooted in fear of the unknown. I was nice to feel validated by him. I don't know why I needed it from him, but I did.

Chris and I opted out of the gym yesterday. I was pretty sore after falling. This morning, I still felt sore, but I went. I wasn't going to do the 5K training I was going to bike. But, when I got to my favorite room, I saw all of those beautiful treadmills. I couldn't stop myself. My ankle and knee hurt a little, but after I got into the groove it all went away. Not only did I do the 5K training, I beat my time and distance!

As for my dream in all of this, I will say what I said in my very first appointment with Liz the exercise phsyologist. I want to be able to ride amusement park rides with my kids. I want to walk past a mirror and not say eww. I want to be able to walk into a store and buy whatever I want. I want to be able to buy whatever it is and not look at the weight limit first.  I want people to not be afraid to sit next to me in an office.I want to train for and finish this 5K and then move onto Disney's Princess Half Marathon. I want to run!  I want all of this and more.

I finally feel like I have to the right tool to do all of this with. I feel like it is all mine to take. I am determined. I am driven. It is mine.